Friday, March 9, 2012

A Harrowing Tale

The following account is a harrowing tale of events that transpired in Sun Valley, Idaho on 04 March 2012:

Enter the scene: Scott Irvine - my eldest sibling, tormentor of my youth (he still calls me "troll"), defender of all things glitter, culinary master*, Sun Valley's "Mr. Fix-it," and husband to the beautiful Russian, Natalia.

Let it be known that Scott is a friend to all creatures as evidenced by his frequent interactions with lions and lionesses captured in the following sketch, however, not even his many years of trust and friendship with these fearsome creatures could prepare him for the kind of beasts he would encounter that day.

Every once in a great while, Scott snags a day off work and gets to enjoy the grandeur and beauty of Baldy Mountain, and on 04 March he accompanied Natalia to celebrate her birthday in these exquisite surroundings to enjoy a day of snowboarding (him) and skiing (her) together.

Sidenote: He occasionally attempts to show off his mad snowboarding skills, but all documented evidence on file fails to show what happens on landing.

Here is where the story gets interesting...

After hours of snowboarding at Baldy, Scott managed a final run before his legs finally gave out, but when he got to the bottom of the slopes, he realized that he was on the Warm Springs side of the mountain, rather than the River Run side. Lifts were now closed. Bummer. No River Run means no car. No car means no way home. No way home means S&N would be stuck in very unpleasant circumstances until someone came and found them.

Here we see that Scott is temporarily stuck trying to figure out what to do:
Notice the concentration.

Ever the gentleman, he decides to hoof it on foot - seven miles (I think it was actually eight, but he was trying to be modest when recounting the details) - scaling the rough terrain of the mountain, just to fetch the truck in order to pick up Natalia and take her home.

We are all lucky that Scott is alive to tell this tale (and request that it be preserved for posterity on this blog) because along his journey, he confronted not lions, tigers, and bears - oh no - try dinosaurs and fire-breathing dragons!

He barely scraped by the T-Rex, though I'm not sure how dangerous they could possibly be looking back on my own experience as a kid with a brother like Scott. You know how kids think they can take on anybody no matter their opponent's size? That was me. You know how those little kids always end up stuck at the end of the longer arm of their opponent swinging madly yet futilely into thin air? That was also me.

In this case, the t-rex had the advantage of height, but I really have to wonder what kind of damage could be done with those teeny little arms. Not to detract from the heroic feat of my brother in conquering the dinosaur, but let's just keep it real. Maybe it was the scary looking jawline full of razor sharp teeth that posed the problem. Or maybe the thought of being squished like a bug, though Scott has had practice being a bug during his DOI career, so I doubt that was the issue.

Either way, Scott dazzled the dino and moved right along.

He thought the worst was over, but then he came around the next bend and discovered a terrible creature who refused to let him pass unharmed.

That's right. It was a fire-breathing dragon. No broomstick to get him out of this one. Scott was left to his own devices - no magic allowed. His best option as he was dodging bursts of fire (his years jumping through hoops of fire as Zorro probably helped him out) was to fall back on one of his greatest strengths: humor.

How did he slay the fire-breathing dragon?


The dragon was laughing so hard that he actually started choking on his own tongue, which caused serious internal damage for our fiery friend, giving Scott enough time to scurry on past and make it to the River Run entrance at the base of Baldy.

He promptly jumped into his truck, caught his breath, turned on some U2 and Pink Floyd to soothe his soul after such an experience, and navigated his way back to Warm Springs to pick up Natalia and whisk her back to their Chatelier condo.

You'd never guess from the following sketch that Scott had just faced off with a dinosaur and a dragon. His strength and courage know no bounds.

Once they were safely inside their condo, Scott proceeded to whip up an amazing culinary spectacle featuring chicken and mushroom pate with red onion and chile chutney, or something ridiculous like that.

After enjoying a scrumptious feast, Scott called members of his family to tell this harrowing tale, and was stunned to discover that the troll was the only one who bothered to answer the phone and offer moral support. I wanted the world to know how grateful and lucky I feel to have such a cool brother who survives such mind-blowing experiences and lives to tell the tale.

The end.

* The parentals have made it known that the two Irvine daughters have been ousted as "domestic goddesses" by Scott due exclusively to his culinary talents. Besides being funny, I guess Scott knows how to make a decent meal. I'll warn you though, if Scott ever offers to make you a tuna fish sandwich - DO NOT ACCEPT. No matter how good the tuna/mayo combination is, it will not be worth $8.00 - the going rate for Chez Scott.